Making the Moment Matter

To Trance Or Not To Trance

2009-07-28T22:34:00.000-07:00

How do you know you're in a trance? If you're seeing something, feeling something or thinking about something as being anything other than just "stuff", you are in a trance. It is through trance that we take the stuff of our environment and experience and turn it into something that both radiates and resonates meaning, significance, associations and connotations, none of which exist.

But think about this: We think we don't want to be in a trance; We think we have to wake up out of our trance. But if waking up out of the trance means seeing everything from that quantum level of no meaning - just more "stuff" - where's the fun in that?

Maybe the goal is simply to be AWARE of our comings and goings through the multi-dimensional world of trance; and through that awareness, having choice... and having amusement at our choices.

Animal Magnetism

2009-04-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Her back to the glass, coyishly playing hard to get, she glances over her shoulder as I lingeringly walk by - admittedly, with a growing curiosity of my own. Our eyes meet; an awkward knowing moment from which we both reel away in embarrassed pride. Feigning indifference, I sit, our backs separated by two inches of transparent rigidity. But I pick up on her receptivity; it calls to me with a suggestion of softness. I delight in her amused yearning to make contact while saying nothing. Fueled by my own attraction, I turn to tease and, in turning, reveal the fanny pack at my waist...

It captures her eye, and she swings around to face me. Her anticipation winks at me in quiet excitement as her smile reaches through the glass to greet me.

With my own delight at her fascination, I show her item after item buried in the sanctuary of my pack.

Her excitement warms us both, as if there were no glass between us; only 2 children wondering what's next, enraptured by the parade of objects, big and small, coming out of the pack at my pants.

With unspoken suggestivity, I pull out the last items hovering at my hips: my little note pad and pen.

As if pleading for a demonstration of my true feelings, her look prods me to draw for her.

Amidst the unfolding process of my artistry, I show her the evolution of my sketch, her mind stretching to make familiar order out of my flat thin lines.

And the closer I get to completing the drawing, the more her fascination beams back to me through the glass.

At last, with portrait complete, I show her my portrayal. What only moments ago registered confusion, now conveys understanding. Familiarity takes form depicted in a round head, big eyes, and outstanding ears.

In the awkward silence of the moment, I point to the drawing, then, with enveloping eye contact, point to her...

Together, we laugh and laugh and laugh!

The Nourishment Barrier

2009-04-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

Ah, the nourishment barrier... a realm where regardless of surroundings, you find yourself starving at the banquet. In the midst of the feast, you somehow can't let it in. Whether that feast is food or fun, compliments or community, you paradoxically respond as if that which is nourishing is in fact toxic.

There are people who live at this nourishment barrier. At work, at play, at home, at the movies, in love, even in bed; They have a problem letting in what they need, as if something bad would be imminent if they did. ...As if what will happen if they let in the good is that it will eventually be taken away or lose it's thrill, leaving life that much more of a miserable burden to endure. The all too familiar result of their resistance is the collapse into a life orientation of "why bother".

Don't get me wrong, these are sweet people - typically even intelligent, endearing and compassionate; very compassionate. Very serving, very loyal, but also not too good at taking care of themselves.

Rather than writing a textbook here, I'll move into some practical advice and maybe revisit this theme later in my blog. Getting practical is a very good direction for people to take who have the nourishment barrier and its "why bother" orientation.

On the more basic level, it's good for these folks to start by defining clearly what their needs are. Then, after that preliminary step, to make a longterm project out of studying how they go about the business of resisting getting what they need.

Now as an aside, imagine there is not one of you, but a whole cast of thousands in there. These characters started out simply as beliefs, beliefs which served to help you know the territory and the rules of getting around in it back when you were much younger. But after some years, they took on a life of their own inside you, where they wait in the wings ready to come out and take center stage upon getting triggered by events that occur.

That, in itself, is not the problem. The problem arises only if, while they are running the show from their position on stage, you think that's you up on the stage. If you aren't aware of what's going on inside you, you identify with these characters and their fundamental beliefs, oblivious to the distinction between them and the adult you.

Your job is to monitor and manage these characters, which requires noticing when any one of them gets triggered. Instead of getting up on the stage with this character, which may be your pattern, my invitation is that you take your seat in the front row where you can experience not only the unfolding story of resistance to nourishment, but can get perspective on what this story is really about. You are able to discover what the beliefs are that determine, sustain, and reinforce their existence, so you can choose consciously to indulge their impluses of resistance or not. This, by the way, is some of the foundational work of my approach to self-discovery, Making the Moment Matter (TM).

But let's get back to the nourishment barrier and see how to apply this perspective there. If you can notice those moments when an opportunity presents itself for you to get one of your needs met, you can shift your attention to study how you organize around this opportunity. This self discovery leads you to see - and likely take - options that you never saw before. Thus, you can stop playing out archaic automatic responses that limit your fulfillment. Letting in nourishment becomes a non-dogmatic conscious act of self responsibility.

My goal for the people I work with is not that they get rid of these often annoying characters who live inside them, but that they develop a more conscious relationship with them. It is through this deepening that the person gets bigger than not only this nourishment barrier but bigger than anything the universe throws his or her way.

Studying Experience

2009-03-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I like to define "experience" as what happens in the space that defines you. It is made up of two components - story and state. You can think of this graphically as a circle with a line going from left to right across the middle. The top half of the circle is "story". The bottom half is "state". Story is anything cognitive - labels, explanations, associations, connotations, stories. State is nothing cognitive - it is energy felt in the body in the moment.

You can locate yourself outside this circle, such that whatever goes on in this space, in this circle is simply part of the environment. This perspective enables you to be in relationship with your experience rather than lost in it. A certain type of freedom grows out of developing that relationship.

Here's an exercise that can get you started in developing that relationship. It involves breathing, holding your breath, and paying attention.

Lie down, and breathe in a normal breath, then exhale every bit of air that you can. Then breathe in only half as much as the previous breath. Again, exhale every bit of air you can. With your third breath, again breathe in only half as much air as your previous breath. Exhale everything. Repeat this pattern two more times such that with your fifth exhalation, you have what seems like no air at all left to breath out. With that, do not breathe in a sixth breath. Instead, just hold your breath - or your lack of breath - as long as you can.

While holding this, let your attention go to whatever unfolds in your experience. Notice the voices that resist this insult to your need to survive and notice the voices that might support this experiment in letting go. Notice any argument that ensues between these parts of you. Also notice any pulling in of your chest as well as any pushing out. Notice what happens in your head, in your heart, in your arms, in your gut. Notice any memories or associations. Notice the felt sense of panic, or of peace, or of whatever. Simply notice anything, even any judgment that arises in response to what you notice. Hold your breath only as long as you can without hurting yourself and notice the extent to which you are lost in your experience and the extent to which you are the witness. When you can't hold your breath any longer, give your biological drive the oxygen it so desires. And even as you suck in air, continue to simply notice what happens in these many domains of your experience.

Try this exercise once - with full attention - then try it again a day or so later. See what changes over time with the strength of your ability to separate from your experience and locate yourself as the witness. May this be the start of a beautiful relationship with yourself.

A word of warning - if you have any reason to be concerned about your heart or other relevant aspects of your physical health, treat this exercise accordingly. Be self-responsible.

Balance

2009-03-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

My daughter, Jessica, a freshman at SUNY's Purchase College in New York, just went back to school after having been home for Spring Break. The mention of Spring Break might bring some of us to imagine young people having too good of a time at places that have lots of sun and sand and alcohol or drugs. But for my daughter, it was one week of focusing on what her classes needed from her, compounded by what her extra-curricular commitments demanded. She's always been a somewhat driven person, admiringly inspired and impassioned to contribute creatively to the world around her. And I've always respected her for that. But I wish she could have more fun than stress.

Some years before Jessica was born, I remember my dear friend, Meredith, in her first semester at medical school, crying on the phone to me, telling me she was having no fun. She was feeling like her life was on hold because school was so demanding. I comforted her and asked what sort of grades she was getting. With a sob of helplessness, she told me she was getting all As. I thought for a moment, then asked her if she really NEEDED to get all As. She mused on that and exclaimed that no, she didn't need As but she liked getting them. I asked what would be the lowest grade she would allow herself to get and she told me a B. So I suggested she apply herself only to the level of earning Bs and use the newly leftover time to play. She actually took that advice. The next call from her was from a very happy Meredith. She told me she had succeeded in creating balance in her life and was surprisingly pleased with the effects of that balance.

Balance. Something so basic to understand, yet so easy to lose sight of. The first thing that goes is our appreciation of its value. Then our self-awareness fades as we lose ourselves in our passionate drive to do it all and excel enough to make a difference. But, like the road to hell being paved with good intentions, we may end up abusing ourselves in support of the mission. Not seeing the forest for the trees.

My hope for Jessica, and for the rest of us who are busily blinded by our honorable intentions and good effort, is that we come to embrace balance.

Waking up and smelling the imbalance is the first step. That is, you can't change what you're doing unless you know what you're doing. And the way I'm thinking about "embracing balance" here would mean seeing to it that you're grounded in the world of challenge AND grounded in the world of comfort.

Imagine that balance: challenge, but not at the expense of comfort, and comfort but not at the expense of challenge. Can you imagine the spacious balance between fun and functionality that would come with that? I think opportunities would flow better under these less stressful conditions.

Now imagine developing a commitment to manage your moments and involvements such that you are able to maintain that balance. Yeah, that probably means you'd have to up your level of self discipline. But while "self discipline" might still carry the emotional impact of a monster under your bed, it really just comes down to two things - monitoring and managing. Monitoring is simply noticing when your life is out of balance - when the strength of your drive inhibits your ability to enjoy the process. And managing is consciously responding to your life being - or going - out of balance;

Put simply, if you can practice noticing your impulses to do things, you can respond to that awareness by thinking them through instead of blindly indulging them. As simple as that is, this is where self discovery - monitoring - meets self improvement - managing. Many people rush right past the opportunity for self discovery when they want "results". But I've found that sustainable self improvement needs the solid ground of self discovery to dig in its roots and flourish creatively.

Not just Jessica, but so many of us are in the college years of discovering what matters to us enough to commit our time and energy to - with enough clarity to reject the opportunities that are attractive but have less real meaning to us. Don't difuse your creative potential by indulging every impulse that comes down the neuropathways. If you want to discover what does matter to you, notice what impulses you do indulge. Notice them so you can relate consciously to them, and thus, to yourself. While it's possible to live in a trance wherein you think you know who you are, it's possible that self discovery can wake you up out of that trance. The impulses you act on tell you what you're in fact doing, and what you're doing shows you who you are in fact being. If what you're doing is not in integrity with what matters to you, you are out of balance. Support your drive when it fuels your passion, but not when its expense outweighs its meaning to you. Strive for this balance.

Monitoring and managing, seeing and responding, being and doing. We're designed to do these things. This blog will share ways to develop the resources required to reach incredible levels of functionality, freedom, and flow. Commit to putting into ever sharpening practice your skills of paying attention and taking action. You become what you practice. Practice balance.

(By the way, you can check out Jessica's own blog at http://glowinthedust.blogspot.com and her beautiful website at http://jessicalehrman.com)

Paradox

2009-03-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

To develop an orientation of focusing on the best in yourself and others, notice the instances when you see the negative in a person or situation. In response to that awareness, see if you can understand your investment in seeing it that way. Then, see if you can let it go, at least just this once, and switch to the positive. Watch yourself doing this. Hopefully with a smile.

Whether you can do this or not, strive to stay awake and simply be patient with yourself. Self-discovery is the best foundation for self-improvement.

Faith and Fear

2009-03-17T12:59:00.002-07:00

Faith and fear are two poles on a continuum. At any time you are at some place on that continuum between 100% fear and 100% faith.

When you notice an experience of fear it is good to notice where you are on the continuum. It is good to remember that your location changes a lot on this continuum, and that many factors influenece the shifting location.

It is also good to remember that neither fear nor faith exist "out there". They don't "appear in nature" (like a chair does or death does). Fear and faith are what we create within us in response to some thing or situation out there.

Is the Body in the Soul?

2009-03-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

What happens to the soul when you die? Does the soul leave the body? Maybe the question should be turned around, for, is the soul in the body or is the body in the soul? Is this space we see here in this room or is this room in this space? If you take away the space, the walls collapse and there is no room. But if you take away the room, the space is still here, undefined by the boundaries of the walls but still here. Thus, the room is in the space... Maybe the body is in the soul rather than the soul is in the body.

Isn't it amazing that, as small as your eyes are, you can see an entire mountain?

The World is Within

2009-03-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Worlds within worlds. Image created by David Wright

Moment by moment, one event after another crosses in front of our field of vision. Our work is to go inside and observe the world that is being created within ourselves as we organize around that event in this moment.

Conflict, Blame, and Betrayal

2009-03-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

If you are a collaborator, and you find yourself in conflict with your creative partner or partners, here is a game you can play with yourself to enable your perspective to broaden. And If the relationship hasn't deteriorated too much yet, you can do this together.

There are elements of your situation which play a part in the drama you find yourself in. Elements such as time (deadlines), money (budgetary constrictions), ideas (yours vs the other person's), disagreement, connections, needs, distractions, and more. See if you can make an objective inventory of the elements inherent in your particular situation. Once you've got that list, see if you can imagine, one by one, each element being different in the situation. Let your imagination roam from having that element being different in some significant way to NOT being a factor in the situation at all.

This can be a creative process but it can be a long one. A shortcut is to jump right to this element: blame. Regardless of if it even made it onto your list, play around with this one. Imagine blame being present but different than it currrently exists. Explore what changes in your view of the situation when you do that. And finally, imagine the situation and its stresses, but without blame being involved at all.

What sorts of things would you say to your partner? What sorts of things would be said to you? What happens to your definition of the problem? What happens to your idea of solutions?

If, in your particular situation, you still feel you've been betrayed in some way, imagine the facts of the betrayal being the same, but that you are not offended by those facts. In this game, make that the one element that you change. In many situations this is hard to do. Surviving a betrayal is quite a challenge. But we're just exploring ways to look at things here; we're not rewriting what actually happened. We're just looking at how unstuck we can become in our responses to what happened. The point isn't to hypnotise you out of holding someone accountable. The goal is to get you past the personal affront such that you can see the difference between the event that occurred, the effect it had on you, and how you organized around it yourself, creating the conclusions you reached about the situation, the players involved, about yourself, and maybe even the world as a whole.

Remember, a way you can be constructively responsive to the situation, no matter what your role, is to separate the event from the effect, and the effect from how you - or the other person(s) - organized around it.

A rule of this game is that you've got to let go of each element. If you can't let go of blame, or of the anger of betrayal - at least for the time you're playing the game - then you are lost in your story. Regardless of the cause of the conflict, you being lost in your story will keep you from being able to move out of the conflict and back into creative collaboration. And, worst of all, if you can no longer see that the price of what you're throwing away is greater than your investment in your story, then you're so lost that it's going to likely effect how much time it's going to take you to collaborate in a clean and healthy way again. Don't let that happen. Keep your eyes on the prize.

The Creative Process and Collaboration

2009-03-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

Beauty continually pulls me in opposite directions. It has me cling securely to that which I know and dazzles me forward towards the mysteriousness of that which may lie ahead. It’s no accident that beauty is fused with such creative tension. Beauty is what drives creativity. Regardless of our individual compasses, our creative process, like iron shavings, aligns towards the magnetic north of beauty; dancing in resonance to something not quite tangible.

Whether we work alone, creating our own particular expression of beauty, or work with others - in music, literature, film, theater, or any other sort of art - the dance partner we hold close is beauty. We hold it close at the same time that we go about creating it.

When the process goes well it’s jazz improv; it’s timeless, spacious, grounding, and freeing. Working together, serving a common vision of beauty, is sacred partnership. Collaboration is a gift we give each other as an extension of our call towards beauty. Creative collaboration is a meeting in the realm of the divine.

Darkness befalls us when something threatens that collaboration. When contracts are not in dispute and conflict comes down to disagreement on something addressing the creative process, I find that what often serves as the portal to that darkness relates to either ego, history, or communication.

Pride, insecurity, low self esteem, and the attraction or repulsion to being “one up” are variations on the theme of ego. Under the category of “history” is fear of betrayal, projection of betrayal, and all the other paranoia of not being treated with respect. And under the wide, sometimes light, sometimes dark, cloud of communication are such mistakes as assumption and withholding, often simply the innocent byproduct of not thinking clearly.

My work is creative, and my creativity is expressed through the grace with which I bring clarity to misunderstandings, balance to oppositions, and facilitation for people to get to the same page and resume being in it together.

My advice to you who feel the move in a direction away from a creative partner, is to stop what you’re doing. Make conscious what you’re doing unconsciously. Seek help to unravel the drama you feel caving in on you. As easy as it is to lose yourself in your story of betrayal and feelings of resentment, it is painfully difficult to find your way back, and recover your sense of reality.